You may have noticed that things have been rather quiet here at Rubber Chicken Madness. Believe me, it’s not because my life has slowed to a blissful, peaceful crawl where I have time to sit on my porch and ponder “What next?”
Thing One continues to struggle. We managed to make it through a bad medication change. And we’re on the upswing, but during the adjustment, and even lately, there have been statements he’s made that let me know that he needs to continue to dig deep in his therapy sessions to get to the root cause of his depression and anxiety.
The one he says that makes my heart fill with unmeasurable sadness:
Mama, I know you love me.
But I don’t understand why.
I cannot love that child any deeper than I do. Although I will love him more tomorrow than I do today. Which doesn’t make any rational sense, but when does love ever follow rational rules?
I believe I’ve shown him that love in actions, in words, in the quiet times when he just needed to be held.
And when I think about his words, it isn’t that he’s saying that he doesn’t think I love him. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do.
That’s not the problem.
The problem is that he does not feel worthy of my love.
Or of anyone’s love for that matter.
As we unpack his issues, I begin to see things that are hard for me to see.
He hates to disappoint me. He hates to disappoint himself.
As an impulsive youth, he makes choices that do disappoint me and, ultimately, disappoint himself.
He feels that disappointment to his core.
And believes he is not worthy of anything good.
Because he is a perfectionist.
If he’s not perfect, then he must be a screw-up.
And standing amid friends yesterday, one of them lovingly pointed out:
You know where he gets that, don’t you?
And there it sits: the truth that I have been denying.
Yes, friends…he gets that from ME.
And now I have to figure out what to do about that.
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