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The Evolution of Christmas Present

0040 For a while on Christmas morning, my living room looked like Santa’s elves had invited “just a few” friends for a post sleigh ride after party.

Christmas had exploded all over the place.  Marvelous gifts. Delicious breakfast treats. Recyclable wrapping paper everywhere.

The chaos ended around 10 a.m., when the boys left to visit their dad’s family and I was alone, save the dog, in my quiet home.

Every single year, I dread this moment. The second the door to the house slams shut as the boys dash out to spend a few hours with their father, a gray stillness covers the house, strangles me with sadness and saps my Christmas spirit.

When your heart is contained in those two teenage bodies that just bounded out the door, it’s hard to be joyful about Christmas.

Oh, to be fair, in my divorce decree I got to choose, and because Christmas Eve was always a bigger deal in my family, I chose to have them every Christmas Eve. Their dad gets them every Christmas Day.

And I know they’re coming back.

It’s just so gray. So still. So quiet when they’re gone.

On a day where Facebook is aflutter with family pictures, full of smiles, tables of delicious nosh, and status updates about football, card games, and one-liners from Elf, I just want to sit on my couch and try not to cry.

The first year, they were gone for over 24 hours. They spent the night with their paternal grandparents. I had a sinus infection and suffered in the dark watching a Law and Order marathon.

The second year, they were gone for over 24 hours. They spent the night with their paternal grandparents. I had takeout Chinese, a bottle of Chardonnay and a lineup of Christmas movies.

By the way, takeout Chinese on Christmas Day in MY town is a disaster. We don’t have a huge population of people who don’t celebrate Christmas, and so the food had been sitting for hours; the fried rice was dry and the dumplings questionable for human consumption.

The third through eighth years were much the same. Different food. Different movies. Same sad state of affairs. Each year (this one was number nine) has been somewhere on the sadness continuum between downright depressing and seriously sad and I didn’t want to subject my dear friends to my one day pity party.

Each year was a little easier to bear. I knew to expect the sadness. I grew to dread it. I didn’t have to like it. But I knew I’d survive it.

This year something shifted.

The boys still left. The door still slammed. The house and my heart slumped into gray and quiet.

But my Christmas has evolved.

This year, I Skyped with my mom, and we opened Christmas gifts together.

I busied myself in the kitchen and prepared my favorite dish of all time — Spaghetti with White Clams (my mother’s recipe), and opened a great bottle of Pinot Grigio.

pasta

 

Did you know that Target sells the most adorable demi-baguette? It’s just the right size for a divorced mother of two who needs some bread with her pasta, but knows that a whole baguette is dangerous caloric territory!

I savored a fabulous book.

I snuggled with the dog.

I watched HGTV without a single teenage eyeroll.

And changed channels during commercial breaks to check out what was on Food Network. The dog didn’t complain. 

I gave myself the gift of a few hours.

And before I knew it, they were home. Safe and sound. Warm and wonderful. Right back in the nest where we all belong.

It was indeed the Merriest of Christmases.

I celebrated it.

{ 11 comments… add one }

  • Jackie December 27, 2012, 7:40 am

    I totally understand how you feel. My ex and I share the holidays too and this year he had the girls Christmas Eve night and then Christmas Day. It was terrible… I end up in such a terrible mood. I avoid Facebook, Instagram, and all places where people are sharing pics of their awesome holidays while I sit home and mope.

    I’m glad that this year was better for you! I’ll have to follow your lead and make the best of the day and do the things that I like!
    Jackie recently posted..Messy bedrooms, finding fun, and BabbaBox

    • RChicken December 27, 2012, 8:03 pm

      It took years for me to get here. Crazy thing is: I didn’t even realize I was okay, until I was actually in the midst of it all, relatively happy. Being okay kinda snuck up on me!

  • Amy Lou December 27, 2012, 8:02 am

    Very sweet.

  • Kathy at kissing the frog December 27, 2012, 9:45 am

    That actually sounds lovely! What a gift to yourself. And when they are back, you’ll appreciate the noise and chaos rather than dread it.

    • RChicken December 27, 2012, 8:04 pm

      It actually turned out lovely. I wasn’t expecting that. I truly thought that I would grouse and grump and fuss and fight while they were gone. Now I have a new “normal” for Christmas Day.

  • El Farris December 27, 2012, 4:39 pm

    This is beautiful! The evolution you write about is . . . palpable, from one shade of gray to a much lighter shade by the end. You manage to find some joy in a tough place. Love this. And I also love white pasta, or pasta and clams.
    El Farris recently posted..The Stigma of Connecting Mental Illness and Violence

    • RChicken December 27, 2012, 8:09 pm

      I hope that one day the evolution will lead to a true sense of joy in the day…in the spirit…whether my children reside under my roof, pop out to see their other parent, or move far far away. I have a feeling that I’ve turned a corner.

  • Chuck99 December 28, 2012, 5:27 pm

    I can understand how empty the house can seem, and how much of a let down that can be.

    My foster son is an adult now, and I haven’t heard from him in years. The only family I have left is my mother, and she’s let her troubles (and the demands of the rest of her family) close down our relationship.

    I refused to have a bad Christmas. I hung lights, put up a small tree, and broiled a steak, with some garlic mashed potatoes and rolls, and watched a favorite movie.

    It might not be traditional, but I enjoyed it. I’m glad you were able to enjoy yours, but I’m especially glad you have kids there to liven it up for you.

  • Classic NYer December 28, 2012, 9:58 pm

    Actually, your Christmas sounds pretty fantastic. I wish I had thought to open a bottle of wine…
    Classic NYer recently posted..Poetry Corner Friday: she sleeps (pt 2)

    • RChicken December 30, 2012, 1:58 pm

      This year, for the first time in a long time, the day itself felt fantastic even though the boys were gone. My heart felt light. My joy was true. It was fantastic! Next year, I’ll try to remind you to have that bottle of wine :)

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