My contribution to Mama Kat’s  Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop for this week:

I Am Not NOW
nor will I EVER be
A Real Housewife
in ANY county….

And there are 10 very good reasons why.

10.

I’m too short

Even Caroline of the New Jersey housewives is taller than me (by half an inch), and on screen, she looks like a little person next to those tall leggy housewife type people. So until they make a Real Housewives: Little People Edition, I’m out of contention.

9.

I do not employ
a housekeeper

I had children so they could scrub toilets and fold laundry for me. Seriously, why else would I have them? They ruined my body, take all my cash, eat me out of house and home and rarely say thank you. Oh, yeah…except for that stupid sweet stuff they do like hug me, and tell me they love me, and write poetry for my birthday. Dammit, apparently they need retraining again. Laundry and toilets. Laundry and toilets.

8.

I do NOT
have enough shoes

Apparently, I do not have enough shoes. And certainly no Christian LouBoutins. Remember the children mentioned in #9? Yeah, they eat my shoe budget. Well, not the cash…that would make them goat-children….they eat the groceries purchased with my shoe budget. All the more reason to make them earn their keep. Laundry and toilets. Laundry and toilets.

7.

I do not
employ a nanny

If they were goat-children, I might. But mine are allegedly human, and I have raised them by myself. Every hard earned accomplishment and each mistake has my fingerprint on it. And, if you could see inside my dark and frozen heart, you would see that I am very proud of my imperfect children. I imagine it would be hard to be as proud if I had subcontracted the job, you know?

6.

My children aren’t
completely spoiled

Sure, they’re spoiled to some degree. I think one would be hard pressed to find a kid or two on this planet these days who isn’t. However, my kids probably wouldn’t guzzle cocktails in front of the entire neighborhood at our next pool party, or throw a baseball bat while littering the world with multiple f-bombs. My children know to keep these things private.  All cocktail guzzling, baseball bat throwing, and f-bomb dropping is always done within the confines of our modest little abode. Ahem.

5.

I don’t play tennis

I swear that seems like a prerequisite skill to be a real housewife. And I don’t know how. Nor do I care. Really, all they use tennis for is to have a moment of pretend exercise before they begin their pre-cocktail-hour-cocktails at 10:21 a.m. [Note to tennis players: I KNOW tennis is real exercise. My point is that they don't REALLY play. They just dress up like they're going to, walk out onto the court, swing the racket a bit, and decide they're ready for a drink.] Hey…on second thought, anyone know a good tennis pro???

4.

I do not carry
a royal title
fake or otherwise

I’m no Countess or Duchess or Empress. My titles are all lowercase: mom, teacher, sister, aunt, daughter, niece, cousin, friend.

3.

I’m a lover,
not a fighter

I’ve only come close to being in a physical fight one time in my life. I managed to talk my way out of that situation (now, that skill, I have!). Since then, I have never even entertained the idea of having a cat-fight, pulling out someone’s weave, or toppling a table.  I learned the ever important preschool lesson: Use your WORDS when you’re frustrated.

2.

I am generally nice
to my friends

I do not thrive on drama that hurts others. Any drama I like is either on-stage or from a safe distance.  I do not need to be in the midst of screaming and arguing and ignoring and backstabbing. It’s not my scene.

and finally:

1.

I have substance

I am not the sum of my designer clothes, handbags and shoes. I may enjoy those things but they do not define me. I am not who I am because of where I live. I love my house, my neighborhood, my city, but I’d still be me if you took them away from me. I do not seek to impress with my sunglasses, my car or my stunning art collection.

The bottom line is:

I am REAL,
and therefore,
not a great candidate
for a reality show.